The many faces of Thomas the Clown

My oldest has his work cut out for him. I think he will be in the theater or the arts or acting or something! He is a total clown.

At school he gets his face painted every Friday, so I told him to show me his scary face..... Then when I told him I am scared and he is scary he says "Ok mommy, give me a wipe and I'll take it off, I don't want to scare you!"

Told him on Memorial Day to go stand under the flag we wanted to take his pic wearing his red, white and blue.....

He poses? With his golf club?

Then I say "Let me get your sweet face" and he poses again..... I think modeling is in his near future!

He took it with him when he left

The month of May is hard for me. The only thing that remotely saves it....Thomas' birthday.

I notice my mood changing as May approaches, and half way into May and my heart aches. This seems to be so much worse now that I have children. I haven't decided if I am just more emotional since my boys were born or if it bothers me more that my children have to grow up not knowing their uncle.

Today will mark the 15th anniversary of my only brother's passing. 15 years!! The time sure has flown and a lot of things have transpired, but one thing has always remained the same....I miss him. He was my only sibling, so everything siblings share, I shared with him. Everything I shared with him, he took with him when he left.

I hate that my children will only know him in pictures and in stories. Even though Thomas seems to have a 6th sense connection to him. I took Thomas to "see" him today, and I cried as I took this picture.....because I know my brother is looking down on us. Our conversation went a little like this, and my heart aches and my eyes flooded with tears...


Thomas: Can we go see my uncle mommy?
Me: someday P-nut
Thomas: Why not now? is he busy?
Me: No babe....he lives in Heaven
Thomas: Why? Was he bad?
Me: Because God had special plans for him, and he needed him in Heaven more than we needed him here
Thomas: Ohhh, so when he is done can he come down here again?
Me: How about when we are done here, we can go there and see him?
Thomas: Ok.....is it dark there?
Me: Where in Heaven? I don't think so Babe. I think it's spectacular there, otherwise I don't think your Uncle would have stayed.

How hard it is to try to explain to a 4 year old death. And even harder to explain why mommy's heart aches so. But a hug from the little boy that shares his Uncle's name sure makes it a little more bearable.

I hope my boys don't have to know the feeling of loss of the other. They seem to be two halves to one whole. And the loss of one half leaves the other broken. 15 years is a long time.

TJ, you are remembered today, with a love of a sister who misses you so much more than you will ever know..

A soul set free to fly
August 4, 1970 - May 28, 1996

Senior Hottie

My Senior Pic....I worked so hard to get those curls just right.....but I did rock the bangs didn't I?
And I was so excited that I didn't have to wear one of their drapes....didn't matter the dress I wore looked just like one of the drapes!

Then I had some modeling shots done.....and once again I rocked the bangs didn't I?

This one was my favorite as far as any pic of myself that I liked

Look at that cheesy obviously not a real rose!

I had what many called a "ski jump nose" and so every time I ever did any kind of pics, I had to get the signature profile of the ski jump nose!

I couldn't find any of my prom pics, and all the pics I had of Senior Life were completely destroyed by mold. It's not like today where you get a digital pic and save it forever on a disk. We had actual negatives!! And those are so LONG gone!

But I did find this beauty....snapped a pic of it right out of my year book, it was from our Senior Picnic! My friend Neesh and I, tye dye was in, apparently along with the hammer pants? and the belly baring shirts....which my mom absolutely hated!

And so on and so on....

I was 13, and my mom and step dad were going out of town for a whole week!! I was giddy with excitement. I could be at the house, alone, after school and during the day on the weekends, at least until bed time. After that I would go over to the neighbor's house and spend the night!

I wrote notes about it to my best friend, we passed them back and forth as to how this whole thing was going to go down. Just a couple of us, it would be no big deal, they could come up from behind the house and into the back yard so as not to make the neighbor's suspicious.

And it started out that way....just a couple of us. Then that ONE friend.....you know the one that has seen that commercial that says "And you tell a friend, and she tells a friend and so on and so on" Yeah that one.....GREAT!

Everyone ends up at MY house, while I have to go to the neighbors house. And one friend decides to kill herself with pills from my house.....large pink pills, called Penicillin.....so not going to do any harm. Her friend decides to make her the greasiest BLT sandwich of all time and leave me the pan to clean. And the friend who took the pills? Yeah at least she made it to the bathroom to heave all her sandwich along with all the liquor she had drank.

We had a modest house, hardwood floors, my mom had some nice white shutters in her bedroom and a nice peach bed comforter. When she left....those were all in tack. When she returned there was about 1/4 of an inch of cigarette ashes on the floor, her white shutters were speckled orange from the screw driver we spilled on the headboard while watching a movie. Her peach comforter....now had a nice white splotch on it from the cream we spilled on it while trying to shave some one's legs. (How did I miss all those things while cleaning up?)

My mom got home, and I wasn't there. I needed more time to clean up and it wasn't given to me. So I sucked it up and took it. I said it wasn't planned. Well it kinda wasn't. It was only supposed to be like 6 friends!! But remember those notes I talked about? Yeah well my friend brought them to MY house so HER mom wouldn't find the notes and in our drug and drunken stupor I told her to put them in my room and she put them in the couch! Yeah well guess who's mom read the notes and called me out that it wasn't planned? MINE!

My punishment? I had to go EVERYWHERE with the parental units from then on out! There was no you-have-to-stay-in-the-house-while-not-in-school grounding. Oh no, my mom reversed it. If she had to go to the store I had to go. "But mom, I'm studying", nope, get in the car and you can study there or when we get back. Sleeping? "Tough, I have to go to the store and since we can't even trust you while sleeping.....you are going"

As I recall it went on for 2 years? I don't really remember, but I'll tell you right now I never had another party at my house while my parents were out of town.

What you learn when you are 4

This is the sweet face I rolled over to this morning. Just waiting at the edge of my bed. I snapped his happy 4 year old pic with my phone. Wished him a very happy 4th birthday and told him I would be up in a minute, he could go watch his TV show. Christopher was still sleeping at this point. I laid in bed a little longer, checking emails and facebook and twitter....you know important stuff.


And I didn't hear any TV on, so I figured he had decided to go back to his room and read.... so I got up slowly and came out into the kitchen and find This....


THIS, is the cake that I made for my sweet little 4 year old, and it looks hen pecked! I looked at him and said THOMAS.....did you eat this??? And he immediately said "No the Monkey did"! He didn't even bat an eye lash. Just so matter of fact.

So apparently when you are 4 you learn to plan what you are going to say when you get into something you aren't supposed to have! I didn't know if I should laugh or be mad that my cake was ruined!


Ahh well Happy Birthday Anyway Thomas!

My heart and soul

My 1st born son..... Named Thomas, after your Uncle. I was convinced you would come 11 years to the day after your uncle's passing, but I couldn't wait another second for you. So into the world you came, May 24, 2011
I dreamed of you..... But never in a million years did I dream how you would change my whole life, and how my whole world would be wrapped up in you!

Mommy was thrilled you were finally coming into this world....at 9lbs, 9 oz, you amazed me then and you continue to amaze me today.

Your sweet face, sealed in my heart, intertwined in my very soul. You made me the happiest mommy ever! You are the best part of me.

You grew every day and never a minute went by that my heart was not full of love. I've learned you are to smart for your own good. You have me wrapped around your little finger with your sweet smile, and your adorable laugh. I fell in love with you all over again each morning. You say some of the funniest things, and you intrigue me with your sixth sense and your ability to talk of your Uncle whom you have never met. You push me to my limits and reel me back in with an "I Love You mommy".

I am so proud of you! I am proud of who you are, what you are learning, and what you have learned to stand for.Happy 4th Birthday my beautiful 1st born son. I love you, you are my heart and soul.

I've got the world on a string

Seventeen and graduating. I've got the world on a string, my whole life ahead of me.

I always wanted to be a vet...until I found out just how much science you need....uggh I loathe science.

My whole teenage existance seemed to be one big psychological nightmare after another. Death, grief, drug use, alcohol use, being a heathen....you know the usual. I just wanted one person to know what I have been through. I wanted one person to say "I know EXACTLY how you feel"

So I set off to be that one person. I had big dreams of being the savior of every teenager like my brother and myself. College a must....a degree in Psychology, a minor in adolescent drug and alcohol rehab. Master's in Adolescent psychology, and finally a PhD.....People would call me Dr. Erin, and I would fix the world.

If I got in tight with Oprah I could have my own show!!! Ok I didn't really dream that.

But I busted my butt to have the knowledge. I went to every class, I learned all the books, and studied all the stats. But more importantly, I had the personal experience. I had been there done that, and wore the T-shirt every day.

In the end....life has a way of changing on us. I have the degrees......okay so I'm not a doctor. And no one can ever take away my personal experience, and I may not have saved the world, or even all the teenagers.

But I do use my psych degrees every day, dealing with people. Dealing with my preschoolers. Oh and yeah....umm psych and preschoolers.....don't mix....they are immune to it's powers!

Somewhere in my dream, I would be a mom.....at least I got that right, and the rewards are far greater!

Happy Amazement

These beauties are my favorite. Roses are pretty, but these are spectacular!


I got these for Mother's Day and couldn't resist taking some pics of them!

They are always so stunning, with such vibrant colors.

And they smell amazing! I remember when I was in the hosptial after having Christopher the nurses almost asked me to have them taken home because they can affect people with allergies.

And they probably affect my migraines, but they are so worth it!

Because He Can

This is Christopher.....my charming 2.5 year old. He is my slow start baby. I had a troubled pregnancy with him, he was born 8 weeks early and he spent some time in the NICU. He's done everything in his own time....he didn't sit up until 9 months, he didn't walk until 18 months. At two he had all of maybe 4 words.

We had him tested for Austism among other things, and he passed with flying colors. He's sweet, caring, empathetic and shy. He's my baby. He goes to school, and he has a speech therapist/language development coach whom he just adores. Her name to him? Bickie, aka Vickie. She along with his preschool teacher Linda are defenitely applauded in our house.

Now this child speaks like no other and some of the things he says..... let me share.

Mommy: I think it's time for naptime

Christopher: I think not!

Mommy: You want a bike?

Christopher: No bike for big people.

Mommy: Oh, like mommy and daddy?

Christopher: No. You and daddy bigger, Thomas big, but me little. I want to have another baby.

Mommy: WHOA!! WHAT??? I don't know who you've been talking to but no more babies, YOU are my baby!

Christopher: JEEP! (he loves Jeeps) Me want jeep

Mommy: You want a Jeep huh? What about the motorcycle?

Christopher: No Jeep better, makes people look.

Christopher: Me not going to say Idiot mommy. (we had an issue with him saying that ALL. THE. TIME)

Mommy: Ok buddy, please don't, it's not nice.

Christopher: Yeah it's not nice to say Idiot

Mommy: Right babe, so don't say it anymore.

Christopher: Okay mommy, me no say Idiot anymore.

His famous saying right now is "Fine, me no be your friend anymore" which he picked up super quick from his big brother. To which I always say That's okay, you don't have to be my friend, but you will always be my son.

He's still painfully honest sometimes, he'll tell you like it is, but he's always as sweet as can be!

He wins the hearts of everyone he comes in contact with, because he can.

STOP....THIEF!

So we decided to plant a garden this year.....you know teach the kids how to grow their own food and such. We planted corn, cucumbers, squash, watermelon, strawberries, cantaloupe, green beans..... all the good stuff. But I was especially proud of my strawberries.

Planted them and I went out and all my nice ripe strawberries were taken! TAKEN!!
My 1st thought.....This little guy....JERK!

And I feed them so they won't bother my garden!

Moving on.....look at my beautiful blossoms on my squash! And I found out that these flowers are good to eat! I think I'll hold out for the squash, but I'll be sure to let you know if I fry one up!

And look at this adorable strawberry flower.....isn't it just the cutest?

Well I found my strawberry thief...

He didn't even disguise himself!

I am Honored

I look back, over all the years, the one constant in my life?

My Mom!

I remember everytime I was sick, my mom would gently brush my hair from my face and forehead.

I remember all the times she hand made my costumes for Halloween.

When she took on being my Girl Scout leader, and taught all of the neighborhood girls something about creativity.

On rainy days, we made "Memories" which was code for cookies and/or bread.

She kissed me goodbye in the morning when I left for school, and she was there when I got home.

When our family was rocked by death, over and over, my mom remained.

She stood beside me and held me through heartaches and heartbreaks.

She always tried to understand me, even at my worst teenage years.

She tried to always let me make my own choice, even when she was screaming behind her smile "NO, don't do it".

And when I fell? She was there, time and time again.

And now? After years of the thought of never being a mother myself, I envied her.

On this 4th year of being a mother ....I celebrate her, I celebrate me...

I am honored to share this day as a daughter and as a mother, with my own mom.

I can only hope that I will be half the mother to my boys as she was to me!

So happy Mother's Day Mom! Cheers to you! You will always be my hero!

Life is always better

Life is always better when you have a pretty girl holding your hand!

We brought Thomas for a two day trip to Disneyland to celebrate his 4 year birthday......

and he got a great surprise.....

My bestie Maile, who comes at least once a year and each time we've been to Disneyland with the boys previously has been with her and her daughter Nalani.

We kept telling her how we wished they were coming down for this trip and she kept telling me she wishes they could. And Thomas kept saying Disneyland just wouldn't be the same without 'Lani. Well guess who showed up?

And they sure did live it up!

We Celebrate

I have been so busy with things today,
Asthma attacks, that are not wanted.
A beach day gone down the drain.
Cranky kids from being out way too late last night.
And attempting to pack up a family of 4 to head to Disneyland for 2 days to celebrate Thomas' upcoming 4th birthday.

As I sat down this evening to type up my post, I had to stop....
Stop all of it...for a moment....and remember.

Remember how proud I am to be an American. How my heart felt thanks goes out to each and every person in our armed forces. It's because of them that freedom rings in our country.

And along with that moment of gratitude comes a moment of celebration. Osama bin Laden is dead. As a person, I celebrate, as a family, we celebrate, and as a Nation, we celebrate!

A day that along with 9-11 will go down in history. A day that we patiently waited for has finally come to pass. Justice has been served. And I couldn't be more proud to be an American!