A day I never thought I would get through…..And something that has deeply affected me and how I should have listened to my mom…..they all go hand in hand, at least in my book they did.
*****This does have explicit material, so you might not want to read aloud to your children =) And it is slightly long….And to my family….there is probably a lot in here that was never disclosed to you for obvious reasons, but I've nothing to hide anymore.****
I woke up and the ex had already been drinking….that sounds like it already started out to be a great day. It was one of those dreary days in Michigan, when you really don't want to accomplish much…..my job that day, accomplishing staying alive!
The day went on as most days, the ex drinking on the couch and flipping through channels. He was under the impression that I had cheated on him with his good friend, so instead of acting like an adult and talking to his wife about it, he just assumed….and with that he decided it was time to abuse me….physically, mentally, emotionally.
He told me that we would be going out to the bars that night with some friends, I told him I was in no mood to go, and he told me I must have misunderstood him WE ARE going, I had no choice about it! He was treating me as if I was a teenager. He told me I would go and behave like his wife. Sure….if you treat me like your wife. So at that point he apparently felt I would need a little help along the way, so he took about 15 doans pills (you know those muscle relaxers when you have a back problem) and dumped them into my drink. I am a person who doesn't do well with pills, so in about 20 minutes I barfed and that was all I remember….until about 2am when I found myself being slapped and shaken awake and being told that I had, in my unconsciousness, told my ex that I had slept with his best friend. Now my brain was fried and I didn't even know where I was, let alone who I was. But I did remember talking and having my eyes open and prior to his rude awakening I do not remember that! So the last I remember I threw up, the next thing I remember I am in my bedroom, in my bed, naked, with a drunk man that resembled my husband on top of me very angry! He pulled me out of the bed, drug me down the stairs threw me on the couch and proceeded to put a gun in my face.
Now can I just interject here…..for desired effect, wait until said intoxicated person is no longer intoxicated if you are looking for a fearful reaction….because I did NOT have one, which pissed him off! Not that I wasn't afraid, I just lacked the mental capacity to show it.
After much yelling and dragging around the house and him trying to have a conversation with me….I have tequila and 15 doans pills in my system and you want to have a talk about something serious? I remember saying something about chocolate chip cookies and him losing his marbles! At that point he drug me up the stairs this time, and I told him I would be sick, so he threw me into the bathroom and I was cornered in our little bathroom and he refused to let me put on any clothes, so after semi barfing in the toilet and sitting there just wishing my life would end, he sat on the floor next to me and proceeded to tell me in a nicey nice voice, that if I would just tell him….just tell him that I cheated on him, but that I still loved him he would take care of it all, and we could go back to the way we were.
So after about an hour of me telling him I DID NOT CHEAT ON YOU, I finally said fine yes if it will get you out of my face and you to leave me alone I will tell you anything you want to hear….yes. And he. lost. his. mind…..told me to get my slut ass dressed and get out of his house. Whatever, anything to get away. I attempted to put clothes on, but him kicking me while I am a little dizzy and falling all over while trying to put pants on is a little difficult, at which time he slung me across the hallway and into the bath tub right into the tile wall, head first, at which point I must have passed out because at that time he decided it would be a good idea to turn the shower on me and I remember waking up choking on water!
My body ached all over. I just wanted to disappear. I just hoped I would be strong enough to make it through the night.
He forced me out the door and as I remembered I had my key card in my back pocket, but nope he took that. When I asked for my keys he told me he would trade them for my shirt. HUH?? You know at that point I would do anything to get away from there. But I didn't get so lucky, he pulled me back in the house and it started all over again. At least I was dressed for a time…..until he decided it would be a good idea to try to rape me at gun point. He would try and forcibly make me do things……he eventually put down the gun but by the time the morning broke he was back with the gun, telling me he should just shoot me, but he wasn't going to spend his life in jail for the likes of me! By the next day I was covered in bruises and rug burns and most likely a concussion that the dizziness lasted for months on. The next day he wanted me to go to the ER and tell them I was raped so they would do a rape kit test and get DNA samples. When I went there under gunpoint they told me that he had been watching too much CSI, and they wouldn't do that, not to mention I would be charged with a false report!
He stripped me of anything and everything I ever had, Dignity included. He took my cell phone, he took my keys to the house, he would go through my purse when I got home, he would drive me to and from work, and he would pick me up at lunch. I had to ASK if I could go to lunch with my friends and even then he would follow us. He would drink heavily nightly, and as soon as he was good and drunk he would start in on the abuse. I lost 20 lbs in a matter of a month, my clothes literally hung off me. When we would go out with friends they would ask where I got the bruises or the rug burns and I had to reply "I don't remember" even at a family reunion with his family. His mom outright asked me if he did it to me and I had to reply I don't remember. His real father was abusive to his mom and he watched it all! Apparently he thought it was cool?
Why did I not leave you ask? Because I was more afraid to leave than to stay. He would threaten me daily, telling me if I went up to the store that if I didn't come back he would find me and take care of me. That he was NOT going to get divorced a 2nd time. I should have listened to my mom when it came to him! Oh sure he was a great people person, everyone loved him when they first met him, but get to know him and he was a total ASS!
All this from a man that I vowed to love, a man that vowed to love and cherish ME....a man that was my whole life, a man whom I had lost a child with. A man that held having another child with me over my head like it was a piece of candy for a baby who had been good all day. I did survive that night, I never thought it would end. And it didn't end…..it still affects me today. I still have nightmares about it, I don't like to be "cornered" so to speak. I hate small spaces and panic. I still think about how stupid I was to allow him to treat me like that, how I should have been stronger. How I should have left.
It took me 3 months to mend the fear enough so that I could leave. I got a restraining order against him, and I filed for divorce, and want to know the crazy thing….I still loved him. He still followed me around at his safe distance, he did find out where my new apartment was, he did continue to threaten me, he threatened his own suicide, he begged and he pleaded, I owned a gun for my own safety and wouldn't have thought twice about it had he broke into my apartment and I shot him, and no one in their right mind would convict me.
He appealed the divorce and when it came time to go to court he didn't fight anymore. But he did contact me after a year and told me he changed. But that time I DID listen to my mom…..I didn't get back together with him. But I never fully trusted for a long time, I was suspicious of everything. I always made sure I had my phone, my keys and my wallet. It became an OCD. I'm not like that anymore, and I learned a lot about myself and about respect.
Now, here is the kicker…..I forgave him. Yes you read that right, I forgave him. After that year of thinking how he messed with my life, he took everything away from me. He took ME! I had been diagnosed with cancer and you never know what happens with that. So I got everything out, I talked to him, I met him in the parking lot of my work and I screamed and yelled and cried, I told him how horrible a person he was, and how dare he, who did he think he was to do that to me….to take all that from me. I gave up my life, my hopes and my dreams for him. He cried, told me how sorry he was, he wanted to hold me. NO WAY, he had that opportunity and he chose not to! And after all that, I didn't want that bitterness in me, that poison he was, I didn't want to carry that black cloud around my heart. I wanted to be free and free of him, free of the pain and free of being scared and free of the hold he had on me. And I looked at him, and as hard as it was, I told him, I forgive you.
And since then, my life has never been the same. I've had my ups and downs…..but I have great friends and a wonderful husband who put up with all my strangeness and dark ways and I have two beautiful boys.
KARMA….I believe in it! And I still think about that time in my life, and it still messes with my head sometimes. But now, I know he can't ever hurt me again!
Brought to you by
MamaKat
And now to my blankets....my most recent were done for a friend's niece and nephews!
I just love doing blankets, because let's face it, who doesn't like to snuggle up in a nice warm blankie and it's even better when it has your name on it!
